April 1, 2022
Using my power of The Mayoral Office of GoldFire City, I hereby issue an emergency notice to all citizens city-wide. The unthinkable has happened -- the entire city's gone nuts! Squirrels are arriving on our streets in droves. Likely the work madman Kaeto, often called The Shark, and his band of thugs -- they've been spotted spreading acorns around our once peaceful parks. These squirrels may look fluffy and friendly, but let me be the first to tell you that they are rabid killing machines. Keep your distance, and whatever you do, don't let them follow you into a casino or your own home! We once beat an infestation of pigeons, and we'll beat this plague too.